Journaling Prompt #2: What Was Taken From Me?

When the choice is made for you

I was on a walk earlier this week, and I happened to be listening to an interview with the actress Mandy Moore. She was talking about how glad she was to have had a third child, and she encouraged the interviewer, who was on the fence about expanding her own family, to do the same.

It was a perfectly innocuous conversation, but it brought up a lot for me. I felt like I wasn’t part of the club, an outsider looking in. Having a third child is biologically impossible for me now—I had my ovaries removed last year for cancer prevention.

The finality of it hit me on that walk. I almost felt panicked.

“I will never be pregnant again. There is no possible way I could ever have another child that’s mine.”

The funny thing is, before cancer, we weren’t really planning on having another child. Instead, we kept that door ever so slightly ajar. I imagined I could be one of those women who has a surprise pregnancy at 40.

But cancer took that possibility away—I didn’t get to choose. Instead, the choice was made for me. I imagine most people can point to moments in their lives where something similar happened. Maybe a relationship ended when they wanted it to continue. Maybe they lost a job, a pregnancy, or a parent. Maybe they fell ill or were in an accident.

The details are different, but the feeling is the same: grieving a future that never materialized. What does one do with that? How does one integrate it and move beyond the pain?

This is the topic we’re going to explore with today’s journaling prompt. I hope you’ll join me in looking that imagined future head on, grieving what never was, and in time, figuring out how to move forward, more empowered and at peace.