I unfortunately got a local recurrence soon after finishing treatment, likely from literal cells that did not die. I ask the same questions about my future and am still hopeful for a long life. Everyone has a crow of death on their shoulder, cancer survivors just know it more intimately. Thanks for sharing 💕
I’m thinking of you, Emily. That’s the news we all dread to hear. I hope you have some strong treatment options. Glad we can connect and support each other here💗
Spot on. I had my 4 year check up a few days ago. All clear, for now. Stage 3b and now taking Tamoxifen in low doses. I don’t have children and have everything I have ever earned financially in a small winery. The shadow of BC coming back, the stress level this creates is undoubtedly hard to describe accurately.
I love all of this, Steve, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve managed to find some joy and peace in this strange in between land where us cancer survivors live. I too find a lot of solace in nature (and dance parties with my kids!).
Wow, this made me tear up. I’ve had these thoughts recently as I approach my birthday and my mom’s. These thoughts are few and far in between these days, but they’re still there. Will I make it to live past the age my mom died? Will I be able to watch Miles and Maggie grow and be there to see their futures and their children if they want children someday? Will I grow old with wrinkles and grey hair beside Robert and look back at a life well lived or will cancer take it from me? Big hugs! 💜
Also, chemo and radiations are all known to CAUSE cancer... So we have more chance of recurrence. People said to me "you can now go back to your life and forget about cancer"... If only...
After I was done with treatment, my white blood count was so low that they thought the chemo may have caused blood cancer. Luckily that wasn’t the case. But the meds saved my life and I love them for that!
That is definitely my prayer. Yesterday I saw my radiation oncologist and she said, after I see you in July, we can move to an annual cycle and I said, um, I’m not ready for that yet!
I always feel like I’m in the witness relocation program, like I could never live my carefree old life. I can go about my daily routines, maybe even catch myself having fun but am always looking over my shoulder.
You have just described my life! I just had my first scans since NED for stage 4, and my oncologist said "looks great now, and when it comes back..." WTF and I supposed to do with that?
After every round of scans there is that jublilant reaction from friends, I smile silently, just not a feeling a recognized anymore, there is deep relief, usually some sort of thank you universe like I won a bargain this time, but the jumping up and down .. no. Because its going to happen all over in three months and I try to de escalate the anxiety of those scan weeks, walk off the rollercoaster with shaky legs. Shit. Missed it this time. Wishing you many well days.
Thank you for putting language to something so many patients whisper but rarely feel “allowed” to say out loud: the fear doesn’t end when treatment ends, it often moves in.
Fear of recurrence is not a character flaw or a gratitude problem; it’s a biologically sensible learning response. Cancer trains the brain’s salience and threat networks to treat ordinary bodily sensations, calendar milestones, and follow-up appointments as danger cues. That conditioning is why “just relax” doesn’t work, but your nervous system is doing exactly what it was reinforced to do.
What I appreciated in your post is the realism: living with uncertainty, not pretending it disappears. In clinic, the goal is rarely to eliminate fear entirely; it’s to keep fear from shrinking a life. A few things that genuinely help (and are backed by psycho-oncology experience) are: a clear surveillance plan you can “borrow certainty” from, skills-based therapy like CBT/ACT to interrupt spirals and catastrophizing, and community, because fear is louder in isolation. Even naming “scanxiety” and expecting it as a wave (with a beginning, peak, and end) can reduce the secondary suffering of “what’s wrong with me?”
This is a generous piece from It’s Cancer Baby; empathetic, unembellished, and clinically true. You’re not alone in this, and you’re not failing because your body remembers.
I feel this so much! People mean well when they say "aren't you glad it's all behind you?" And I don't want to be a "downer" and say otherwise, but ooof - it's challenging.
Thanks for the smile, I can clearly see that face Miranda makes in that episode!! :)
This was the most surprising thing to me when I was diagnosed. After the first week of unabating fear and anxiety, life just…. continued. I was waiting for this big, ‘life before and after’ moment, and the reality is that 99% of the minutes of the day, I don’t think about cancer at all. You just go on with the business of living, as you say.
That’s it, Romina! I suppose it also depends on how much cancer treatment and the after effects are impacting one’s daily life. I feel fortunate that I feel mostly strong and healthy, so I’m able to put cancer out of my mind for the most part.
Thank you for this. I'm currently alternating between panic and living. Possibly, but hopefully not facing battle #3. Unless someone had experienced a cancer diagnosis personally, they can't begin to understand the weight of the crow on our shoulder.
Love this and so beautifully put. I’m 25 years in (first dx in my teens) and can resonate with so much of what you said. I don’t know if it gets easier as much as you find acceptance for the unknown.
I unfortunately got a local recurrence soon after finishing treatment, likely from literal cells that did not die. I ask the same questions about my future and am still hopeful for a long life. Everyone has a crow of death on their shoulder, cancer survivors just know it more intimately. Thanks for sharing 💕
I’m thinking of you, Emily. That’s the news we all dread to hear. I hope you have some strong treatment options. Glad we can connect and support each other here💗
Spot on. I had my 4 year check up a few days ago. All clear, for now. Stage 3b and now taking Tamoxifen in low doses. I don’t have children and have everything I have ever earned financially in a small winery. The shadow of BC coming back, the stress level this creates is undoubtedly hard to describe accurately.
Congrats on the clear scan! Four years cancer free is a big deal. I was stage 3b too! I understand the stress of the uncertainty all too well💛
I empathise.
I too am a stage 3 cancer (prostate) with high risk of recurrence. That spectre doesn't leave.
Yes I am monitored ( every 6 months) but each time I meet with my oncology team there is that frisson of doubt
Even now I am off any treatment the side effects continue.
But hey ho at 74 I already see the light in the distance and know I am knockin on heavens door
Time is historically divided as BC and AD. So with me Before Cancer and After Diagnosis so have invented my own era
NWN Now and What's Next which I try to live up to.
Out trundling miles ( and charity 10k's) and the great outdoors for me. No hesitation or delay.
But no sobriety, need my emotions with music to have a dance
I do wish you well now and for many, many years to come
I get where you are coming from.
I love all of this, Steve, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve managed to find some joy and peace in this strange in between land where us cancer survivors live. I too find a lot of solace in nature (and dance parties with my kids!).
Thankyou
Yep off to the English Lake District this weekend for some recuperation. And oh taking my partners grandchildren to Legoland next week Always a joy.
That sounds so fun! Enjoy!
Wow, this made me tear up. I’ve had these thoughts recently as I approach my birthday and my mom’s. These thoughts are few and far in between these days, but they’re still there. Will I make it to live past the age my mom died? Will I be able to watch Miles and Maggie grow and be there to see their futures and their children if they want children someday? Will I grow old with wrinkles and grey hair beside Robert and look back at a life well lived or will cancer take it from me? Big hugs! 💜
I have all the same thoughts, including wondering if I’ll live past the age my mom died (66). Sending you and your beautiful fam heaps of love 💗
Thank you, Ali. 💜 My mom was also 66 when she died in 2015.
Also, chemo and radiations are all known to CAUSE cancer... So we have more chance of recurrence. People said to me "you can now go back to your life and forget about cancer"... If only...
After I was done with treatment, my white blood count was so low that they thought the chemo may have caused blood cancer. Luckily that wasn’t the case. But the meds saved my life and I love them for that!
I understand all of your feelings which you articulated so well. My two years is on 24 July, and then that’s the first milestone. Xx
Two years! That’s huge. I imagine the fear will get a little less for us with each year that goes by (that’s my hope at least)💕
That is definitely my prayer. Yesterday I saw my radiation oncologist and she said, after I see you in July, we can move to an annual cycle and I said, um, I’m not ready for that yet!
I always feel like I’m in the witness relocation program, like I could never live my carefree old life. I can go about my daily routines, maybe even catch myself having fun but am always looking over my shoulder.
That’s such a good way of putting it. Moving forward but with the fear that the cancer may still be in pursuit.
You have just described my life! I just had my first scans since NED for stage 4, and my oncologist said "looks great now, and when it comes back..." WTF and I supposed to do with that?
Some doctors need to work on their bedside manner😏I’m really glad to hear your latest scans came back clear.
After every round of scans there is that jublilant reaction from friends, I smile silently, just not a feeling a recognized anymore, there is deep relief, usually some sort of thank you universe like I won a bargain this time, but the jumping up and down .. no. Because its going to happen all over in three months and I try to de escalate the anxiety of those scan weeks, walk off the rollercoaster with shaky legs. Shit. Missed it this time. Wishing you many well days.
I relate so much, Rita. The relief is unfortunately short lived, until the next scan… wishing you continued healing.
Thank you for putting language to something so many patients whisper but rarely feel “allowed” to say out loud: the fear doesn’t end when treatment ends, it often moves in.
Fear of recurrence is not a character flaw or a gratitude problem; it’s a biologically sensible learning response. Cancer trains the brain’s salience and threat networks to treat ordinary bodily sensations, calendar milestones, and follow-up appointments as danger cues. That conditioning is why “just relax” doesn’t work, but your nervous system is doing exactly what it was reinforced to do.
What I appreciated in your post is the realism: living with uncertainty, not pretending it disappears. In clinic, the goal is rarely to eliminate fear entirely; it’s to keep fear from shrinking a life. A few things that genuinely help (and are backed by psycho-oncology experience) are: a clear surveillance plan you can “borrow certainty” from, skills-based therapy like CBT/ACT to interrupt spirals and catastrophizing, and community, because fear is louder in isolation. Even naming “scanxiety” and expecting it as a wave (with a beginning, peak, and end) can reduce the secondary suffering of “what’s wrong with me?”
This is a generous piece from It’s Cancer Baby; empathetic, unembellished, and clinically true. You’re not alone in this, and you’re not failing because your body remembers.
I feel this so much! People mean well when they say "aren't you glad it's all behind you?" And I don't want to be a "downer" and say otherwise, but ooof - it's challenging.
Thanks for the smile, I can clearly see that face Miranda makes in that episode!! :)
It’s one of my fave SATC scenes!😅
This was the most surprising thing to me when I was diagnosed. After the first week of unabating fear and anxiety, life just…. continued. I was waiting for this big, ‘life before and after’ moment, and the reality is that 99% of the minutes of the day, I don’t think about cancer at all. You just go on with the business of living, as you say.
That’s it, Romina! I suppose it also depends on how much cancer treatment and the after effects are impacting one’s daily life. I feel fortunate that I feel mostly strong and healthy, so I’m able to put cancer out of my mind for the most part.
Thank you for this. I'm currently alternating between panic and living. Possibly, but hopefully not facing battle #3. Unless someone had experienced a cancer diagnosis personally, they can't begin to understand the weight of the crow on our shoulder.
Love this and so beautifully put. I’m 25 years in (first dx in my teens) and can resonate with so much of what you said. I don’t know if it gets easier as much as you find acceptance for the unknown.
Me too! It’s comforting connecting with others on the same journey. I’m learning there’s a beautiful community of survivors here on Substack.